Sabotage: “the act of destroying or damaging something deliberately so that it does not work correctly” or “an act or process tending to hamper or hurt” – Miriam-Webster Dictionary.
I may not be the queen of procrastination but I am certainly lurking around somewhere in the royal court, more than likely keeping myself to myself and staring out of a window. I've gotten pretty good at focusing on my work and having a routine but I don't half let myself down at times. I've been aware of my self sabotage for a while now but never really realised just how much I did it until this past week. I wrote down everything that somehow wrecked or drew me away from what I should have been doing... and it was ridiculous. Don't get me wrong, there were a few valid reasons for leaving my canvas begging for attention but for the most part... well... just have a look at the lame excuses...
-Browsing multiple servers on discord (throughout the day)
-Browsing Amazon for art supplies
-Constantly clicking through my tracklist on my MP3 player, trying to find the perfect song for what I should be doing (multiple times)
-Staring at the rain as it hit the glass door next to me
-Throwing on another load of laundry that could easily be done tomorrow but you know, why wait?!
-Gazing out of the window, wondering what zine I should work on next and how I'll go about starting it
-Watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia because... there's a new season and Sunny is hilarious as hell!
-Running off and making my bed when I realise I haven't done it yet
-"Let's go and get some brekkie!"
-"Lets go and get some lunch!"
-"I need more glue, even though I still have half a bottle, I'm off to the shop."
-Stabbing self multiple times with an awl, can't help but think of this as self sabotage.
-Many moments of "I need some air", then proceed to go into the garden where I could easily take my work but choose to sit and stare at the clouds or a large tree instead.
-Suddenly realise I've almost finished my book so head to one of many bookcases and start the process of choosing what to read next, which takes a ludicrous amount of time. I still haven't decided.
-"I need to change this room around."
-Playing with Pippin (our rabbit)
-Pissing about with my hair
-Youtube. Need I say more?
-"I only have an hour until the kids finish school, I can't start this now." (Apparently an hour is not enough time to do anything.)
-Giving myself an almighty to do list for each day.
-Rushing through a project or task which leads to mistakes.
-Fixing mistakes.
So... yep. I am an utter troll to myself!
But it's ok. It's fixable. Now I'm aware of just how much of a self saboteur I am, I can work on it. Fair enough, the valid excuses will continue but I have to be a little easier on myself, especially when it comes to the achingly long lists I draw up. If I find myself browsing or itching to get out of the house then I can give myself that little break and stretch my legs for a bit. We all need our breaks. Even if we wholeheartedly love what we do, we still need that bit of time for something slightly different whether its a walk around the block or sneaking in a cheeky bit of game time. There is no point in doing something you love if you are going to turn it into a chore and risk it becoming something you loathe.
My point in this splurge of thoughts? Don't be so harsh on yourself and don't give yourself the opportunity to sabotage yourself. If you find yourself thinking of doing something other than what you should be then just ask yourself "do I really need to do this right now or is it something I want to do?" If it's a yes then by all means go and get that coffee or go finish that chapter but don't berate yourself for it later. If it's a no then get your backside back on that chair and get drawing or whatever it is you're working on. Listen to yourself, you know what you need.
Stay creative
Sarah x
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